Navigating the complexities of parenthood often means confronting unexpected challenges. As a parent, witnessing your 19-year-old daughter embark on a relationship with a considerably older partner can trigger a wave of concern and uncertainty. In today's story, one mother is seeking advice as she is facing this exact situation.
She shared what was happening.
Just to put that into perspective, my daughter's boyfriend is 42 (23 years older), and my husband and I are 47 and 46. They've been dating for over 6 months and met shortly before she turned 19. We highly suspected that she was dating someone, but she has always been as private as possible about her relationships, so we gave her space.
She's been in 4 relationships with guys her age that we know about, but she never snuck out or lied about where she was going, so we do know there were more. He's apparently not the first older man she's dated, but she did confirm that she was 18+ for all of them.
My husband and I both feel very uncomfortable with the situation, and we don't know how we want to move forward. We want to have another discussion with her, and we need to decide whether or not we want to meet him. She's a junior in college and lives at home, but we do understand that she is an adult. We just want her to be safe.
What she's told us about him (who knows what she's lying about or what he is):
- He's divorced but has no children.
- They met online.
- He "isn't a bum." He is a business owner and apparently does quite well for himself. She only gave us a first name, so I can't confirm anything.
- He doesn't have a criminal record.
- He isn't interested in marriage and doesn't want kids.
She's never felt creeped out or uncomfortable with him (I can't say the same, and we haven't even met). She says he's respectful and treats her well.
We aren't sure about meeting him. On one hand, it would be good to feel things out and see exactly what he's like. On the other hand, it would be very uncomfortable and awkward for all of us. They have no plans or desire to take the relationship further (no moving in and no marriage), but if they stay together for at least another year there is her graduation where it could be inevitable.
We just don't know what else we should do or ask. Or if we should just let it be and keep a safe space for her if she needs it. Let her come to us, you know? Any advice, experiences, and further questions are appreciated.
People shared their bits of advice.
- “Ok, I was your daughter once. When I was 20 I was dating a 37-year-old man. My parents were not thrilled, but they couldn’t do much as I was living on my own by then. They invited us over so they could meet him.
My dad was so smooth about bringing up stuff that he and my BF had in common. Starting to mention things about their childhoods and how different it was from mine. By the end of the dinner, it occurred to me how much my BF was like my dad and how much closer they were in age. It put me off the guy, to be honest. They just killed our relationship with kindness.” winterfyre85 / Reddit - “I was 22 dating a 39-year-old, and we stayed together for 5 years. The reason we broke up had nothing to do with his age... I have never dated older previously or since (and neither has he) so I’d say it was just the people and the situation. The only reason I’d say this is different is because she seems like she’s looking for older men, which is saying something. Definitely meet him though!” Oopsiedoodle2244 / Reddit
- "I definitely think meeting him is the right move. I wouldn’t just avoid it out of fear of it being awkward. Get a better sense of who he is. I think the relationship will naturally run its course, and it’s good to be aware of who she’s spending her time with. Maybe she’ll feel more open coming to you about it as well." starryeyedluv / Reddit
- "Being her safe space is more important than your personal feelings towards the situation, as hard as that may be. With that said, meet the guy and be cordial. If absolutely nothing else, you're doing this to protect your daughter and give her a safe space." roselle3316 / Reddit
- "I witnessed a family member go through this. Their parents put their foot down, and it essentially pushed her away, out of spite. When she did wake up and realize he was no good for her, she didn’t have somewhere safe to turn, (or at least felt that way) and stayed with the man longer. It took years to rebuild the relationship with her parents.
In my opinion, be as reasonable as possible, making sure she/he is as much a part of your life as though she was with someone you deem the appropriate age. Let her figure it out on her own, because she will." kneedtogethealthy / Reddit
- "Invite him over for dinner. Actively bond with and befriend him. I bet she dumps him before he heads back out the door." drinkcomrade / Reddit
- "I was this kid. I was looking for someone who I thought had it all together because being 18/19 I was clueless on how to get my own things together. I knew I had no business dating someone in their 30s/40s, I didn’t realize how awful it was until years later.
Maybe she needs guidance because she’s feeling overwhelmed by the adult world. I didn’t plan on moving in with the man either, but he suddenly started pressuring me at one point, and that’s when I broke things off and got with someone my own age." NativeStrange / Reddit - "Our daughter did this, and we jumped right in. He was Dad's new bff, and I went over to see her at his house every day. I brought her younger siblings to fill up his house, and affectionately called him 'old man.'
'Hey old man, just came to see my kiddo!' 'If you don't know where the remote is, why don't you just ask old man?' They lasted less than 6 months, and it was she who broke it off with him." beenthere7613 / Reddit
In conclusion, navigating the complexities of intergenerational relationships within the family dynamic requires a delicate balance of understanding, communication, and support. As parents, it's natural to feel concerned when our children make choices that diverge from our expectations, particularly when those choices involve significant age disparities in romantic partnerships. However, it's crucial to approach these situations with empathy and open-mindedness, prioritizing our children's well-being while also fostering healthy dialogue and mutual respect.
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